I promised another blog in a week, but it has taken a month! I could say life was busy, but I was actually trying to work out where and how to start.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing as I know where I am now. It would be easy to say it’s all good, but that won’t help anyone. I need to tell you the story of how I changed my way of thinking in this blog (talking about it would be so much easier) and that was why getting started was hard!
Last time I finished by saying I had worked out what my way of thinking was (my deep beliefs) and how that way of thinking wasn’t working for me. Basically my beliefs weren’t getting me what I wanted. I realised that if I continued to do what I was doing, I would continue to get more of the same and I did not want that.
I told you about my break up, so what happened next?
I chose to break up just before I went away to Europe to do two courses. It was perfect timing as I didn’t have to sit around and think about the break up as I was in Europe – woo hoo!
I left Perth with the intention of expanding my coaching skills and enjoying the experience along the way. I have to admit I wasn’t keen on travelling alone this time, which was weird as I have enjoyed travelling alone in the past. I do enjoy travelling alone because it is liberating as you can do exactly what you want, when you want to. You also meet amazing people mainly because you have to. But this time I wanted to share the experience! I had asked Mr Commitment Phobe (CP) to come with me (before we broke up) and he couldn’t make it, my children didn’t have holidays and none of my friends had the time or the money to come.
So I set off to Europe alone on another adventure and ended up having one of the best trips. It was the perfect blend of being alone and being with people (while on the courses I was with two different groups of people from all over the world).
And I had another light bulb moment in Pompeii.
I have learnt many things as a Dating Coach over the past six years through research, working with hundreds of singles and my own personal experience. One thing I know is that you cannot create the relationship you want without being clear on what is important to you. I am not talking superficial things – like how someone looks here but about your core values and how you want to feel in a relationship.
As I love travel it is important to me that I meet a guy who also loves to travel.
One of the tools I use myself and with my clients is visualisation as it is a powerful way to create what you want. Visualising yourself living the life of your dreams is a powerful way of reprogramming your brain to create that life. It has been proven that the brain doesn’t know the difference between doing something and visualising doing something, elite athletes use this technique all the time. The idea is to picture yourself in a situation that you want, notice how you look, what you are doing, how you sound, how you feel. Fully associate with this picture – see what you would see and hear what you would hear to be successful achieving what you want. What happens is you will then act in a way to create what you have imagined.
With this in mind, while I was away in Italy I decided it was time for me to start to picture travelling with ‘the guy’ because that is what I ‘said’ I wanted. I started by seeing if I could imagine doing this with Mr CP and I actually couldn’t do it. Then I tried to imagine traveling with my ideal guy and I still couldn’t picture it.
I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t picture doing something I said I wanted! I stepped back and realised that this was a case of me thinking that I wanted someone to join me but at a deep unconscious level I still did not want to give up my freedom!
Omg that is a little bit of a recurring theme for me isn’t it!!! It is another case of my fear of giving up my freedom playing out in real life! This was my light bulb moment and it totally surprised me!
It was interesting to step back and be curious and observe exactly what I was doing and how that fear was playing out! I found it thought-provoking that I would say to anyone that I ‘wanted a guy to travel with me’; however, at a deep level my subconscious didn’t want that at all.
For me to work on that deep seated belief I needed to realise exactly where and how it is playing out in my life. To be honest I was shocked when I saw what I was doing, especially as I am aware of my beliefs/patterns. Seriously I genuinely believed I wanted a guy to travel with me but the reality was that at a deep subconscious level it scared me. The relevance is when your unconscious mind does not want something to happen it, it won’t allow you to act in a way to get it. In fact it will cause you to act in ways that prevent it – this is where self-sabotage can come into play.
Just to be scientific for a minute, Neuroscience has found that the brain has the ability to modify its connections and rewire itself and long lasting change can happen when we change our thoughts. Bascially our brains are patterning systems where our thoughts lead to habits that in turn lead to habitual patterns of behaviour. Not all of our thoughts or habitual patterns serve us, and we can become unconsciously very good at them. When you change your thoughts, you change your habits and patterns of behaviour. The old pathways will literally die as your brain is using new pathways.
In my case I was fricken unconsciously very good at my patterns/thoughts that were stopping me from creating the life I wanted.
The reality is, if I continue to believe that if I fall in love I will lose my freedom I will miss out on love altogether! Or have a relationship that simply doesn’t make me happy. Why would I want that!!
To create the new pathways and patterns I needed to consciously use my new belief that love= freedom. Basically it needs to be my new daily mantra.
What I did on a practical level was I observed all the happy couples around me on while overseas who were having a ball travelling with someone. It is important to see and know that love doesn’t mean giving up my freedom, to see that love is possible and does make people happier. Seeing that it was possible and then visualising that possibly for myself was what I started to do. As I have already mentioned visualisation is as effective as doing and builds the new pathways and patterns.
Any time I had a negative thought come up I was curious about what it was and if it was valid. Most of the time it was just a distorted belief so I would imagine a big cancelled stamp, cancelling it out and I would repeat my new belief.
What I was creating for myself is change at the deepest level through my daily thoughts.
It is interesting that it has to be a daily exercise and that it isn’t something you do once and everything is good. Our beliefs also come up in ways we don’t even realise, this is why is important for me to notice where I was coming from – the new belief or the old one!
The other thing that I started to do was to trust myself to make a good choice with a man. With the knowledge I have and the work I have done on myself and creating a clear vision I WILL not pick the same type of man who makes me feel trapped. My past will no longer be my future.
Til next time………