Being Vulnerable……..


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It has been forever since I wrote anything on this blog – in fact the last time was in July 2016, well over a year ago. In 2016 I started blogging about whether I would find ‘love’ in 2016 and shared all my dating experiences. At the time I had applied for a TV show ‘This Time Next Year’ – they were looking for someone who wanted to find love in a year whose story they could follow. I admit to only applying as I felt it would be great publicity. The TV show didn’t happen, but a lot else did, however I didn’t find love. Was I disappointed, no, because I realised I didn’t actually want to fall in love, I only thought I did. The fact was there was so many other things that where way more important to me.  I realised that I could set a goal but if it was not a priority or truly aligned to what I wanted I wouldn’t make it happen.

Now it is time for me to be vulnerable and let you know what has happened since – I have to be honest and say that it feels uncomfortable sharing my personal story but here goes. This week I will start with what happened after my last blog post and in the weeks to come will continue the story.

I am a strong believer in dealing with my ‘stuff’ – you know all my baggage, ways of thinking that don’t work, how I feel about myself,etc. This puts me in the right place to meet the person who fits me the best. The thing is that like attracts like – so when I hold on tightly to my issues I am likely to attract someone who has the same issues – people generally serve as a mirror. I know that I have significantly changed in the past 10 years and someone I met 10 years ago would not work well with who I am today. I would explain it like tuning into a radio station – you have to be on the right frequency to listen to the radio. The same applies with dating, we attract someone who is on the same frequency as us, those you aren’t on the same frequency simply can’t see or hear us.

After my series of dates mainly from RSVP I decided to come off line and just meet people ‘irl’ – in real life. I also decided to get rid of a relationship that wasn’t serving me and that I realised was toxic. I had remained friends with a guy I had dated and who I had sabotaged what could have been a good relationship. For several years we had a good/close friendship and while I remained friends with him I didn’t really want to date as I think he filled the need for male company and some form of connection. The flip side was he reminded me of ‘failure’ and this affected how I felt about myself as  I ended up feeling ‘not good enough’, especially when he started dating.

When I cut the ties I felt so much better and wondered why I remained friends with him for so long. For anyone out there who believes there aren’t any good singles out there over a certain age – this belief is simply false. I meet genuine singles all the time and within a couple of months of cutting the ties I met a great guy while I was out. I had met this guy several times over a number of years but I would say the timing was not right. Anyway we started seeing each out and we dated  until a couple of months ago. We had a good connection and I enjoyed his company, he was also different to the guys I had dated before. This time around I managed to not self-sabotage things which was a step forward for me.  I have to say it was a fun six months and I learnt a lot about myself in this time.

As much as I said I want to work on my ‘stuff’ before meeting someone, sometimes the best way to do this is when you date. It can be all too easy to feel that you are in a great place and have everything sorted when you are single, whereas relationships will raise stuff for you and press your buttons. My six months was a great experience and taught me so much.

So what happened, why did we ‘break up’? When we were together things were great, I really loved the conversations  we had – we could literally talk about anything and everything. I loved that he had been involved with Tony Robbins and shared a passion for coaching and changing lives. We had fun and I enjoyed being with him. When I was with him things were great but due to his schedule and mine it could be difficult to see each other. I realised I felt great when I was with him but at times when I wasn’t seeing it, it didn’t always feel so good, in fact it often felt like I was single. This was not so much about the physical time spent together but more about feeling the connection when apart which comes from communication and feeling a part of someone’s life.  I would describe it as you can feel when you are connected to someone and when they have moved away – it is an energetic thing.

Anyway the other thing was he was a bit of a commitment phoebe – happy with things being at a certain level but no more. The funny thing was that I am exactly the same and this was a real life example of like attracting like!!

I was in a long term marriage that was very hard to leave, leaving caused pain to people I loved. As a result of this, the idea of being trapped again scares the ‘crap’ out of me. For me this has been a deep seated fear and I have a pattern of choosing unavailable men in one form or another. What do I mean by unavailable men? They could be guys who are scared of commitment, they live in another state/country, single but not keen on a proper relationship, etc.  I did this because they wouldn’t ask too much of me and that made me feel safe!

I am also in a unique position as I am a Dating Coach who had a 21 year marriage and now dating in 2017. It is important for me to be authentic and live by any advice that I would offer singles. So from dating Mr Commitment Phobe I realised it was time to get real and deal with my own fear of being trapped otherwise I would continue to attract the same type of person and I realised this ultimately didn’t feel good and how you feel in a relationship is the most important thing.

The fact is what we focus on we create. So the more I focused on the fact that love/relationship will trap me the more I would act in a way to create that reality. Whereas now I am moving through the world thinking that love/relationship will give me perfect freedom and will enhance my life.

The fact is there is so much research that demonstrates people in love are happier, healthier and even wealthier. There is nothing better than a person who is there for you, who has your back, who supports you to be the best version of yourself and who you can do the same for them. I have learnt that there is nothing to fear and actually something to look forward to!

Until next week……

Debbie xxoxx


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2 thoughts on “Being Vulnerable……..

  1. Great honest blog Debbie. We will have to catch up for a wine and chat as I am newly single again to with a very similar story, so can totally indentify with how you are feeling.
    I still believe in love and think we are not designed to be alone. However mediocre is not my thing either in any areas of my life. I also think I could benefit from your coaching skills.

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